There are a few things I hadn’t realized I bargained for when your father and I decided to try to create you. But if one lesson can be learned from all of this, it’s that biological clocks tick hard, but they don’t provide any insight into what the future really brings. All women of childbearing age: beware! Tossing that condom can lead to this:
1. BUGS– Now, I’m all for gender neutrality and #girlpower and all, but when the fuck did I sign up to kill crickets? I am fairly certain that even at the ripe age of two, you can read the “I’m going to piss my pants” fear on my face when I try to catch those monsters when daddy isn’t home. Pre-baby, I would have booked it out of the house and called the nearest man to snipe the little shit, but now I have to make some pathetic attempt at feigning bravery to save “mommy” face. To tell you the truth, I’m more afraid of what direction that hopping mother fucker is going to jump next than I am of participating in mission Mars One.
2. COLIC– Someone asked me recently how I coped with colic. “Coped?” you ask!? “COPED?!!!” They define colic as a baby who cries more than three hours per day, three days per week, for more than three weeks. What do they call a mother who does the same? Not sure. But they certainly wouldn’t say she’s “coping.”
3. UNWANTED SURPRISES– Most people on the planet associate pregnancy and childbirth with stretch marks, widened hips and Kardashian-sized booties, but I am sincerely pissed at all the moms out there for failing to warn me that even the most cruel and unusual body changes are fair game. I was recently spotted in the pre-teen aisle at Marshall’s shopping for training bras, but they don’t make enough padding in bras for 11 year-olds to perk up my saggy not-even-A-cups. My best friends don’t even tell me, “well at least they’re perky” anymore. What. The. Fuck.
4. CAR SEAT WARS– It’s a lot like fighting in the trenches of World War I, I would imagine, with the notable exception that in this type of war, your enemy is 100% irrational and 0% afraid of you. It’s a deadly combination. And no one warned me that by age two, my daughter would be able to kick my ass.
5. CRAVINGS– Sure, everyone tells you that pregnant women can’t drink alcohol, and nursing women shouldn’t drink caffeine. And you think, “oh, I can handle that. It’s just nine or so months.” But what they fail to tell you is that you will need these things more than anything you have ever needed in your life. It’s like putting a starving tiger in a cage and dangling a slaughtered lamb just out of his reach.
This seems like an appropriate time to stop. Because, really, even though I give all mothers on the planet a big raging “F” in mentally prepping me for the trenches of motherhood, there was just one mother who let me in on a big secret shortly after I joined the mommy club myself. I asked her why anyone would ever have a second child after knowing what it’s like. Her response? “Those early days? You forget them,” she said as she then went on to explain that this “baby amnesia” is a consequence of evolution and a biological necessity to ensure the future of our species. “Makes sense,” I thought. “But really,” she went on, “you forget those days, too, because everything that comes after them is just golden.”