Get Rich Fast: a (should be illegal) legal trade

Dear Evangeline,

You clearly have a brain in your head, so I’m sure it’s redundant to tell you that I would slap you in the face if you ever told me you wanted to go into the field of art. I wish my mom had slapped me. It would have saved me several tens of thousands of dollars in student loans, my pride, and some space in my brain that is otherwise uselessly occupied by a formidable ability to defend the merits of urinals and garbage.

There is a particularly ignoble area of this field called “art” called “connoisseurship.” Now, I’ve never been a fan of stereotypes or generalizations, but I think it is uniquely safe to say that every single art connoisseur out there is a deluded and pompous twit. And that’s a funny thing, because they seem to be really bad at what they do.

In recent pompous twit news, a John Constable painting was misattributed to one of his follower’s by a Christie’s “expert” and sold at auction for $5,200. One year later, a different twit at the Tate decided that very same painting was indeed an authentic Constable. The piece was then sent to auction where it fetched $5.2 M dollars!

Marcel Duchamp, Fountain (1917)

Marcel Duchamp, Fountain (1917)

Eva. Listen to me. There is a very important lesson to be learned here. Don’t ever try to actually learn anything about art: it’s a farce. All you need to do is become friends with curators and connoisseurs. They will make you very rich. With more than 50% of art being sold and traded on the market being 100% fake, and with 100% of that art being criminally overpriced, art is the last commodity where insider trading is still legal…ethically suspect, but legal.

So slap some paint on a canvas, call it a Pollock, then go make nice with Glenn Lowry. And don’t even feel bad about it, not for a second. Do you think Robin Hood ever felt bad about what he did?

Go Get ‘Em,

Mama Pearce



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